DECEMBER 8, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

BIG TIPS

Tips for a late bloomer on losing your virginity

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Phew! After a rapid succession of minor trials: the flu, a ruptured eardrum, then Bell's palsy (the right half of my face was completely slack. Could I wink at cute girls? No) which passed as quickly as they descended, I took a deep breath and ... headed to Florida for a wedding.

Despite the inevitable orgy of Traditional Values-sanctioned events, I had a fabulous time with my family, and was reminded of something a truly wise friend of mine said: It's pretty common, and frequently necessary, for queer folks to shut out otherwise-supportive birth families to feel safe while we're developing our identities and coming out to ourselves. We just need to remember to let them back in when it's time. If they're not unduly cruel or hostile, they're a fabulous preselected pack of supporters, and believe me, no one but my 24-year-old brother would have crammed into the Dumbo ride with me at Disney World.

Dear M.T.,

What does someone do, who needs to take sex slow? I've never known physical intimacy, and as much as I want to dive right in, I find I can't. Yet most of the women I do go out with don't seem to want to give me this space. I don't even know if I'm attracted to someone until after I've been around them for a while, so I'm not one of those who see magic from across a barroom, either.

I'm also very unsure about my ability to be sexual. The whole thing overwhelms me. A total loser, I haven't even had my first real relationship yet, and I'm in my thirties! Is there any hope?

A woman I love is showing signs of interest in me, too. What if the opportunity arises to kiss? Believe it or not, that scares the hell out of me! She's going to think I don't really desire her, but the truth is, I've done a lot more than kiss her in my fantasies...

Any advice for a late bloomer?

Wants to catch up in Cleveland

Dear Petal Pusher,

It's weird. There's a certain span of time in which it's more or less easy to be sexually inexperienced, but once you pass some mysterious point, it's not okay anymore. It gets harder and harder to explain (or hide), and ironically, harder and harder to get that experience, because it's easier to be a naïve kisser in 7th grade than when you're 30. If you're actively choosing not to squeeze on someone else, that can be fine for your whole darn life, but if you want to be with someone, and you feel like you can't, it's horrible: nerve wracking and depressing.

First of all, it'll be okay. Every day, someone older has the pleasure of being deflowered. Some Saturday night, it'll be you. Here are a few tips to push you into

her arms:

One of the hells of being an older virginal type is that you've had way too much time to think about what you don't know, and what could go wrong. What if I can't stand the smell of her puss? What if licking the inside of someone's mouth is disgusting? What if I don't know the "right" order to do things in? What if I have a little piece of toilet paper stuck to my pubic hair? Aaaaaugh! It's just my opinion, but if you don't like the taste of her, lure her into the shower. Mouths are remarkably neutral tasting. There's no right order, and do a careful t.p. check before any date with booty potential.

I wouldn't have believed this before it happened to me, but if you're able to get within a certain physical proximity to someone else's face, a kiss is almost inevitable. If you're getting significant eye contact from her, and your arms and legs

feel weird, move in for the kill. Slowly but surely, get your lips over towards hers, open your mouth a little, and shut your eyes. It's a good ice breaker to make the first contact a light peck, maybe even with your lips closed, but don't wimp out and hit the cheek. If you're right that she's interested, in some mysterious way, the two of you exploring the inside contours of each others mouths becomes way more than the sum of its parts, and consolingly instinctive.

Your parents were right: Kissing leads to sex. When you're ready to move on-in five dates or five minutes—just jockey so the kissing, which by now you're brilliant at, expands. Sex is just a full body kiss, with more terrain explored and appreciated, and more use of your hands. Graze on her body, and let her take the lead: If you want to know what someone would probably like to have done to them, pay attention to what they're doing to you.

Okay, here are three projects that you can take on if you want. One: Rent some lesbian porn. Not the mainstream stuff, but flicks made by gals for gals. It can help to look at what some women actually do, to demystify it.

Two: If you have any stress around your naked body, work on it. Sleep in your nudies. Pull the curtains and watch TV with no clothes on. Just walk around in private until it feels comfortable and sexy to be exposed like this. Being unhappy or shy about our bodies can put a cramp in feeling free near another person.

Three: You can receive pleasure much more easily if you actually know what gives you pleasure. Make sure you know. Take steamy baths (since you're naked anyway), rub lotion all over your body, and masturbate. That's real sex you can have any time, and it teaches you how to touch at least one woman's body.

I'm crossing my fingers for you. Good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have the most gracious lover in the world. Why is that a problem? Because I feel that when he gets into organizing an event that the perfectness of that day, or that party, can come before the happiness of the people involved. He's not rude when he's setting things up, but the whole image is more important than the individuality of the participants.

This past weekend was my birthday, and he organized a beautiful party for me, complete with a handmade triple chocolate mousse cake. I hate chocolate cake, but he said that most people love it, and that he'd make me a little mousse cake this week, just for us. I love him dearly and he just wanted to make me a fantastic party, but I still feel sad that I couldn't eat cake at my own party. I don't want to complain to him, but I don't want to stew either. Any tips?

Dear Hershey Kiss,

This Takes The Cake

Tell your lover I would have loved a slice of lemon mousse birthday cake at your party. It sounds like he started down the right road and got off at the wrong exit. He can't know that you were saddened by his choice unless you tell him, so gently let him know that most folks feel a birthday party is catered to the celebrant. Maybe next year, if he gets wrapped up in creating events that he has an inflexible vision of, you can have that glamorous bash for a different holiday. A smaller birthday gathering could be lower key, and you might even have someone else bring the cake. Happy birthday! ♡

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail Chron Ohio @aol.com.

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